A page from my journal.
Hi sweetheart, my beautiful girl.
Where, oh where are you? I pray that you are okay, … safe.
I’m sitting here thinking about you, remembering vividly the day you were born. The moment you came into this world, like it was yesterday. Looking up at me with those big brown eyes. We tend not to forget the best days of our lives. Yours are still yet to come.
Oh, how I wish I knew what to do, I wish I knew what to say to make you feel more love, more joy, more faith, more hope, less alone. All I have left to give is, “I love you.”
I wish you knew the unconditional love I have in my heart for you. My sweet girl. I wish my love for you was enough.
I’m afraid, and I don’t know how to help you help yourself. As time goes on, I’ve become less sure that there’s anything I can do. And that terrifies me.
If there was one thing I would want you to know, it’s that I accept you. Fully.
I think to myself. You must have such an abundance of pain in your heart. I can feel it. A pain that controls you, and runs so deep that you feel like your only choice is to bury it. Sadly, there’s no way around the pain. You must move through it to let it go, so you can be free.
I wonder, do you know how proud I am to be your mom?
You were so full of light just a few short months ago. Looking back at you smiling and us laughing on the beach, riding bikes, the wind in your hair. This gives me hope. If only that were enough to keep you strong. Strong enough to not pick up when faced with self doubt or times of fear.
I want you to know I’m sorry for the hurt you’ve been carrying in your heart. Oh, how you’ve struggled. We all do at times, it’s how we grow. But you’ve experienced things no one should have to experience. Life should be balanced with moments of joy. You deserve joy. Don’t you want that for yourself?
The good news is, that it’s not too late for you to find inner peace. The good news is, there is a better way.
I want you to know and believe me when I say this that I will always be here for you. I will never leave your side. Even when I’m old and gray, no one will take the very special place I have for you in my heart. Just you.
I want you to know that if you can find a way to breathe for one minute at a time through those moments of helplessness, and not use, life will get better. It may take some time, but it will happen.
If you choose not to put the drugs down, you must know that life will intervene on you and things can/will worsen for you.
Did you know? I blame myself. Because why wasn’t I able to protect you from this destructive disease?! I never saw it coming.
I would lay down my life for you.
Did you know? I wanted to name you Happy.
I’ve loved you from the very beginning. From the first moment I heard your heart beat, and felt your hiccups in my belly. Through the skinned knees, bad dreams, snails, furry friends, pony tails, swings at the park, pancakes, swimming at the lake, balloons, cuddles, Lion King, tears and laughter. From you reaching up to hold my hand, to the worry about where you are laying your head tonight, I’ve loved you.
I think of you more often than daily.
I believe in you. That you can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to want it. You are honest, giving, genuine, capable. Your values that have helped to define you, are still there for you to lean on. To help guide you and how you see yourself. It’s not too late.
Did you know? Your potential is limitless! Beyond what you could even imagine for yourself. I hope you’ll give yourself a chance to find out what this beautiful world has to offer. I hope one day you’ll realize that this world is a better place because of you.
Missing you, with love.