2015

A familiar melody goes through my mind, as I read those 3 small words I can hear Taylor Swift’s voice in my ear.

“Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play. And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. I’m just gonna shake it off, shake it off.”

At the same time I visualize Charlie (my dog) shaking his ears in a frenzy.

How many times have I tried to shake off feelings of fear and worry that intrude on moments of joy, and peace of mind…

That likely sounds more dramatic than I intended, but such is life. Trying to interpret someone else’s words and feelings captured in one moment of time.

“I shake it off, shake it off.”

Seems easy enough to do. Just put it out of your mind, right?

Throw your hands in the air! Let go, let God.

I’m continuously revisiting memories in my brain, playing out moments in my mind to help me understand how it all came to this. If only I’d done this instead of that, then she’d be ok.

This, along with the daily weighing of what’s within my control and what’s not. The theory being to break it down into smaller chunks and simplify the thought process some.

This line of thinking either allows me to focus on what or who is directly in front of me, or it leads me to paralysis or panic then kicking me into rescue mode.

“Think about something else, something positive.” They say.

“Focus on the good!”

“How is she?” they ask, without waiting for a reply.

“Stop worrying about the things you can’t control.”

“Pray,” they say.

Pray, pray, pray. It’s the silence that deafens me, as I check my phone to see if she’s responded.

Nothing.