I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been going through something, though nothing new. It feels selfish that I’ve been turning so inward, feeling lonely and stuck in my head.
We’ve been through so much. So many have been through far worse than me.
I’m a survivor. We both are.
So far, we’ve survived the roller coaster ride of her addiction that at one time led to missing person reports; jail; homelessness; and, everything in between.
For the past 9 months or so, she’s been stable – on a methadone program. I should be elated, happy. Instead I’ve been having nightmares. Recently it was me driving off the road with my mom at the wheel. A couple weeks ago it was problems in my new marriage, and me stepping barefoot over syringes and needles. Last night the house was surrounded by a pack of howling wolves and I woke feeling scared.
I’ve been on edge the last couple of weeks and can’t sleep tonight. Her addiction continues to sneak up on me when I least expect it.
I can directly relate the low dips in my mood to the sounds of silence. Silence that when it comes to my daughter is deafening and leaves my heart feeling heavy. I’ve had to deal with the inconsistent communication with her for awhile and it hurts my heart.
Today so many years later. I never thought we’d still be battling her addiction. That she’d continue to be absent from my life much of the time.
Oh, how I miss her.
Using intentional thinking, my daughter is safe from harm and getting the help she needs. She has a warm place to lay her head tonight, and surrounds herself with people she can trust. Family and real friends who care about her and want the very best for her. She is healthy and vibrant, setting and pursuing goals that have led her to live a more joyful life – one in which she is trusted and makes time to give back to her community.
With love, Shar
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