(Nov 2016)

Angry.

It feels good to say that out loud. But at times anger seems to rub up a little too close to hate, and that pains me to say out loud – it sounds so ugly. I want to retract such a statement as quickly as I release it before it grows wings and takes flight. And you know what the most frustrating part is? That I don’t know who/what I’m most angry at.

Myself, for not being able to raise my daughter to understand her true value in this world. Likely because I never knew my own.

Myself, for not being able to lead her towards a joyful fulfilling life when that’s all I’ve ever wanted for her.

Myself, for not being able to protect her from herself.

Drugs, for kidnapping my daughter and holding her hostage …and not letting her go (yet).

Her dad – for not being the father she needed him to be. And for dying far too young and leaving an empty space in her heart that I cannot fill. No one and nothing can fill that hole but faith.

Her, for not being willing or able to see how she’s hurting herself and her family.

Her, for not being willing or able to put her own well being first and do the work necessary to live a better life. God, why won’t she?! Can’t she??

God, for not shining his light brighter so I can see past the darkness tonight.

God, for not giving my daughter the fighting chance she deserves (yet). I’ve been told to trust him, and trust that he has a plan and that he knows what he’s doing. This makes me so angry!

Her bf for not letting go so she can pursue a different life without him/drugs.

Her, for not being willing or able to walk away from him to give herself a fighting chance. Oh whyyyy??!

Society, for discriminating against her, and me, her mom, because of her addiction. This is suffocating!

Myself, for not having the resources necessary to figure out how to get her back into longterm treatment. 30 days is not enough!!

Today, I feel sick and tired. I’m so beyond sick and tired of dealing with the same issues over and over.

Why can’t I figure this out? Why do I continue to try? It drains me. She pleads for me to understand and believe me when I say I want to understand. But tonight I just can’t wrap my arms around her mindset.

Today, I feel claustrophobic – like I want to burst out of the front door and run and never look back. Leaving my things and life as I know it behind me. I visualize this and how freeing it feels to run away, even if it’s only in my mind. (I wonder do drugs do this for my daughter?)

Today, I feel uncomfortable because I don’t like holding onto nor releasing negative thoughts. It just feels so wrong.

Right now I’m feeling forced to sit down and pay attention to how I’m feeling and to the words being exchanged between she and I, and myself, pen and paper. Sadly I’m just not in the mood to care.

I wonder, when will enough be enough for her to start doing things differently.

I wonder, why does she continue to punish herself and oh please tell me, when will it come to an end? It will, won’t it?

What will her life look like when she gets to the other side? Will she live to travel and see the world? Or live behind bars, or die young with a needle in her arm. Will she still be young and funny? Or will I be old and gray?

Tomorrow is a new day, another fresh start and I choose to hold onto hope for tonight, and to free myself from having to figure this all out… If only for tonight.

Rest easy, my friends.